this is what happens...

i was about to watch "a walk to remember" for the millionth time when i realized that i already know what was going to happen. but i watched it anyway. and then i stopped after mandy moore's character was giving shane west's character googly eyes. anyway. i love that movie, but it just doesn't fit well in my day right now.i stopped watching that movie and decided that i must get back to my script writing. after all, i only have a month and a half to complete 3 scripts, and possibly film one of them. but no. i'm still stuck typing character profiles for the first one. and what's more is that i'm "challenging myself" by creating seven, yes SEVEN, main characters.it's easy to think of good thoughts in my head but getting it down in writing is another story. my thoughts are mostly images, not words. i guess my mind compensates for my excessive talkativeness, because man do i talk a lot! especially when i'm sleepy...and grumpy...and hungry...and i want to slit anyone's throat that gives me a hard time, but i don't because i probably love that person. because i wouldn't be hanging out with someone while i'm in that condition unless i love them.and there goes that word "love."i want that to be one of the dominant themes in my story, but it's so hard to do and keep everything organized at the same time. because the only love i've ever experienced is the disorganized-live-your-life-whichever-way-you-want-don't-worry-about-the-past-present-or-future kind of love. that's the kind of love i love. and to put that kind of love in writing is a daunting, even scary, task. scary because it makes me think of things.it makes me fall in love with a past love, that i shouldn't be falling in and out of love with because i know for sure that we would both be happy if we just leave things the way they are. makes me hate friends that i can't live without. makes me start liking my old friends who seemingly have abandoned me after years of spending almost every hour of every day together. it makes me think of family and the part of my family that i would rather forget but can't because i somehow feel responsible for how miserable his life is now. and i think about the good side of my family that tears me apart because i've been without them for 11 fucking years. my whole life has a bag-o-tricks full of obstacles that it likes to throw at me.it's like that show "7th heaven." every fucking thing that could possibly happen, happens to that family. which is ironic because they're so close to their God that you'd think maybe He'll bless them more than He'll punish. but no. that's television. it's not real life. i think beauty and the geeks is more real life than that show.and talking about God (yes I capitalized the "G" because i'm talking about the god that a lot of people believe in), religion is such a freaking doozy. i don't understand it. i was born into it. i've memorized the rosary. i can probably hold a vigil on my own for seven straight days. my father is catholic. my mom's protestant. but i was never baptized. and i don't want to be. most of the time, i think religion is the longest running joke ever played on the human race. sure it causes unity or whatever, but it causes so much more destruction. what is the point of it all. but i also envy those who have some kind of faith in something. people who pray when something in their life goes wrong. or people who truly believe that their "sins will be forgiven." sometimes i need the that feeling. but i have that disease of not wanting to conform. i don't want to be just like everyone else. that sounds stupid and common, but it's true. sometimes i wish i was a mutant, like in x-men. so that i can be different and hated but i'm so noble that even though everyone hates me, i'll save their lives anyway. not to mention that i'd kick ass.and i can't get over this whole love deal. i feel like i fall in love with every interesting person i meet, talk to, or sometimes even see. but i don't really. most of the time i just want to have wild and crazy sex with them in their own bedroom. but i'm a virgin so i guess that's nothing new. sometimes though, i really want to get to know the person. go to a bookstore with her and read, but not really read. more like find a book that looks interesting and talk about why it's interesting. and then go get some coffee (well coffee for her if she wants, but i'd prefer a regular hot cocoa). that would be a perfect way to spend a day. talking to someone new and interesting.i bug people because i live my life like it's a fucking movie. what the hell is wrong with that? i know someone that lives his life like it's a neverending car show, but i don't bug him that much about it. or at least i don't sound fucking pissed or irritated when i bug him about it. i mean, we all live our lives the way we want right? so what if i like movies that much. and besides, you can't really get mad at me if the majority of the movies you've seen are unrealistic. i have an extensive collection of movies i've watched, and they haven't always ended "happily ever after." sometimes someone gets raped and they never find the rapist. sometimes a husband murders his wife and gets away with it. sometimes no matter how much two people were right for each other, they just couldn't love one another. and that really sucks. because those things DO happen in real life. they really do. but oh well, enough banter about that. that's just a minimal problem that i don't even have to really deal with.i just want to deal with relationships and my family. because something like this:"'cuz like i'll teach you how to swim, if you turn the bad in me into good again."would have been a good song for me and her if we ever went to the beach together. it might happen but not in the same context that i wish i would be. this whole thing is more complicated than i make it seem.then i also fall in love with people i don't know. because they touch my heart. with music and voice. because music is the language of life. many understand it, but on a select few can speak it. and when they do, it penetrates the body, the mind, and the soul. and who wouldn't fall in love with that? that's probably the best thing to fall in love with. it would be okay to die right at this moment if only i love and am loved by music.and i think we're all connected. there's no heaven or hell. and there is no purgatory. there's no personal heaven where your perfect heaven could possibly be hell, or a personal hell where your worst hell could possibly be heaven. it's just not right. when we die. we turn into gas. gas released into the air and breathed in by many. what's with that whole reincarnation thing? maybe the chemicals reactions that occur in the womb use chemicals that come from many who have passed. so we're not all "created equal." that statement is used well, but equality shouldn't even be an issue. we are great because we are not equal. that should be the motto. well bless martin luther king jr. nonetheless.blessed by who? you ask. it's just an expression. i use them too.people need us and we need people. we all live to be touched by someone. if not, then i don't know how to explain that. but i think we all yearn for a connection. always. in any way possible. from any place possible.and this is what happens when you eat to much and you can't sleep.i love you. whoever reads this through. thank you. you make my life a little bit more full.